I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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