Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
