meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
