Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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