we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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