hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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