Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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