his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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