Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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