Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
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