Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
