im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
