i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
