WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i used baking grease as lip gloss
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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