walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
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