If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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