and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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