So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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