Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
