Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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