Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have fence marks all over my body
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
