he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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