I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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