Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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