Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am midnight drunk by noon
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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