They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
this is an emotional support booty call
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
