remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
