So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
