she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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