just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
