I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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