You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
