I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
