I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
