Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
