My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
