I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
