Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
