just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
