I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I could make wine with my vomit
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
