When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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