I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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