I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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