I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
