to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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