Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
