I looked at my own cervix.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
