Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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