I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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