I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
