I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
